If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them. 

If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them. 

If they are okay with never seeing you again, let them. 

If they are okay with always putting themselves first, let them. 

If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, let them. 

If they want to follow the crowd, let them. 

If they want to judge or misunderstand you, let them. 

If they act like they can live without you, let them. 

If they want to walk out of your life and leave the door open, then let them. 

Let them lose you. 

You were never theirs because you were always your own. So let them. 

Let them show you who they truly are, not just tell you. 

Let them prove how worthy they are of your time. 

Let them make the necessary steps to be part of your life. 

Let them earn your forgiveness. 

Let them call you to talk about ordinary things. 

Let them take you out on Sunday. 

Let them talk about anything and everything just because it's you they are talking to. 

Let them have a safe place in you. 

Let them see the heart in you that didn't harden. 

Let them love you.

2023 seems promising and fun, at least that's in my head at the moment. You know right, manifesting.

Never thought that I could start to write this journal while sitting in the black sands, listening to the godly voice of Aurora, during my short-but-really-fun trip in Pacitan (yes I'm taking a short break—kinda), and I'm doing really well, thanks for asking.

These past 12 months had gone so fast but I can still locate perfectly where I store the details of each memory of 2022 in my brain 'til these days. A various moments that taught me to have a big heart and a tick skin, failing with my friendship, relationship and even with my work-life. But nevertheless, 2022 was still filled with many blessings and happiness. I made this journal as an ending of my 2022 season of my life, so please enjoy.

Side A

One of the most memorable moment of 2022 is me deciding to leave my previous full-time job, yes it’s finally happening. And it was terrified me a lot at that moment. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I've come during 2022 and it has been a journey, to say the least. Imagining that being unomployed is one of the greatest fear I’ve ever had, but the fact is, it doesn’t even applied for this one. When I was employed at that company, my boss was often passive-aggressive, a quite demanding, and challenging to work with. To top it off, I was undervalued, quite literally. I will never forget my last day at work, being called as an unprofessional and unresponsible person eventhough I did everything he wanted, and a bunch of other moments that makes me thinking “why the fuck I’m doing all these bullshit?”. I remember clearly when me and my team had a monthly meeting, he said to me in front of all my colleagues the most memorable yet hurful words for my entire career. He said those hurtful words with ease while keep forcing me to work overtime without extra paycheck, and it doesn't even stop there, he keep doing the same shit even after my I quit the company. Crazy.

Having someone verbally belittle me in front of my colleagues was the wake-up call I needed. Another moment that I am now grateful for. If I stayed any longer, I would be choosing to accept unhealthy verbal aggression at work. For what? A check? A raise? A pat on the back for putting up with nonsense because "that's just how he is?" For me, at that moment, my answer was hell no—I will not stick around in this environment out of fear. My peace and mental health were more important than any of that. I'm forever grateful for that moment of self-advocacy. And I leave, for good, finally. This moment also marked as one of the my greatest decision ever in my life. 

2022 has taught me a lot about relationships—the ease of them and their challenges, and sadly I've decided to parted ways with one of my closest friend this year. And to be the person who initiated the parting of ways makes me feel really shitty, but I'm also very much aware that sometimes parting ways even when you don't necessarily want to, but you know that you need to, can be beneficial for both parties involved. I don't want to write any details of it here because it was just too painful for me, but the thing is, I still hold so much love and many well-wishes in my heart for this amazing folk that I parted ways with. I wish him nothing but ease and the best. I wish him well—and I also don't want to reconnect. I am finding peace in missing the connection and maybe even missing the person. Reminiscing on the good times shared is expected, and I must say that I grieve a lot lately. But again, it might not always mean reconnection. Instead, for me, it means deeply realizing that I'm a human, and I can miss people that I once had a bond with. I can be grateful for the time we shared and grateful that the relationship has run its course and completed its journey alongside me.

As I reflect on the importance of healthy communication and connection, now I am feeling even more grateful for my small group of friends. I tried to deeply value the relationships I'm in, and I feel like I finally have a solid, loving, and aligned core foundation with everyone in my life. When there's a conflict, we talk about it. When there are hurt feelings, we listen to each other and hold space with love. Many of us weren't taught how to build and maintain healthy connections. Over time, I've learned that by holding space for gratitude when things get challenging, uncomfortable, or awkward within fading friendships, I can be grateful for the time spent and be thankful that it's over.

Flying back to so-called-grey-November last year, this month might be the most emotional period of time on 2022 because after a year of journey being a basic Jakartans, finally I had to leave and moved back to Surabaya, and it was for good, thankfully. As I looking back, I can’t even believe how colorful my journey was during my time in Jakarta. Having so much lessons to learned, be friended with many new amazing peeps, doing so much fun activities, attending various art events, and most importantly having an opportunity to commute 3 hours every single day from Serpong to Tanjung Duren was absolutely a pain in the ass. For real, for real. All I want to say is that I am deeply salute and my highest respect went to all my coworker mates and to those peeps who had a great dedication and willingness to commute hours and hours every single day to just getting some penny to feed their family. Either way, I might be back there for one and another reasons later, but now let me enjoy my unlonely solitude moment in Surabaya.

Side B

• I opened the very first page of 2022 by having an amazing new year trip with my closest friends and it was such a really really great time, the best one possible to open the year I might say. Exploring the beauty of Jogja & Solo in 4 days, rent an AirBnB, having a small new year party, do some stupid yet crazy fun games and surrounded by my best folks, what else did we missed?

• 2022 was also be the time that I am feeling down to play another game aside from Pokemon Go! If you know me in real life, well, you know that I have never played a freaking single game other than Pokemon Go since 2016! Imagine this young adult spinning the block like crazy while playing Pokemon Go for almost 6 years lmao. I started to play Genshin Impact on February and it was a really fun journey even though I got baited for spent some money on it, haha. When it comes to playing experience, I really want to shout out to my discord folks for being so fun since the day one—and they are all so helpful though. I'm so in love with this game also because of you guys, literally haha. Playing Genshin Impact also makes me realise that there’s exist a ton of super talented folks somewhere all over the world making a masterpiece everyday, and I be really thankful for them because Genshin Impact now is becoming one of my stress release after a busy day at work. Now let me do some exploration on Sumeru. xD

• Being sorrounded by many talented illustrators also make me want to try something new last year, and it was learning to make Illustrations. I know and you know also that as a design student, most of us is able to draw some stuffs, but here I am finally able to beat my own insecurities which I have for years in terms of making an illustration and I made some illustrations for my closest friends as well as for myself last year. One of my favorite takeaway from my drawing journey is, just enjoy the process. Like for real. We don't have to be afraid to start something new, finding imperfection on it is expected, but we can learn so much thing along the journey. That's the essence of learning. Most of the time I always wanted to get a perfect result from everything I did, but from this journey of learning I realized that I have to embrace the beauty of imperfection and it was great.

• Pandemic really changed me to be a better and healthier person, and I can feel it. Everyday. I starting out to be more consistent in terms of scheduling my workout program. I ran almost 170 kms this year, it might not so much in number but it was 30% more kms than my personal record last year. I am feeling so proud of myself for becoming even more persistent even though I have to go through some challenges along with the journey. I might not able to achieve any higher kms this year since I have to limit my cardio session and changed that into weight lifting program (and I signed to MuayThai class this year, wohoo!). But nevertheless I am still going to run this year, perhaps 100 kms is a very good number I guess. Moreover running will always help me to release some bad thoughts and stresses I have after a busy week. Doing it still a win win.

• Hard to believe that me, as a super extrovert person was finally had my first live concert experience this year haha! I felt so blessed and grateful that I finally be able to accomodate myself to finally came into a live concert. I went to two different concert this year and both of them was a BOMB! I can feel myself getting so much energy from it, and it was beyond fun to sing your favorite songs alongside with your favorite singer live on stage! I couldn't be grateful to my two beautiful bestie, thanks to Chika and Chio for letting me join the crowd lmao. Absolutely more to come in 2023 and beyond.

• The peak of it all, I finally signed and got new place to work in 2022. It was a really massive win for me and I feel that I deserved for that. I feel so humbled and grateful to be able to live my dream this time, collaborating with warm and supportive teams in a great working environment that embrace strong culture and values. Can't ask for more.

The Aftermath

In 2022 I've learned that letting go has to be a part of the process of growing up even though there's so much grieve on it. And as I evolve into the man I want to be, I'm committed to creating clarity in my life. I'm making room for less confusion and more space for calm. Peace of mind is sacred, and as I embark deeper into my healing journey, I realize just how necessary gratitude is. What do you need to release to receive is something that I ask myself daily, even in the thick of discomfort, uncertainty, and angst. And what I've discovered on this path is how messy healing is. Giving myself permission to not clean things up all at once has shown me how to be compassionate with myself and grateful for my emotional growing pains.

I am grateful for all the moments I've been through in 2022—even the tough stuff, like changing, parting of ways and making hard choices. I'm blessed.

you can't change who you are, so why not love yourself?

Surabaya,
Mon, 13 Feb 2023.

One day I wonder why I try so hard to continue grow mapple trees in Sahara dessert. You know that's unhealthy. So I quit, I chose to leave, as far as my feed can go.

my fav spot back in 2020. Surabaya bridge.

Up in your defence.

When different feelings are shown up, you just wanna hide it.

When things aren't going as what you've expected, you're tend to blame the universe, to just wanna make it more enjoyable.

When everything seems against your existence, you choose to run away, just to make you feel better. easier.

It's irritating to see someone do shitty things to you, but when you can't do nothing about it? Yep, blocked them, hide them, erase their existances, then speaks "Why not? I just wanna do this shit 'cause they deserved this."

You've been burning, those flames on your chest, burning all those brigdes, burning all the pages.

Good to see them burned, anyway.

back in 2020. Surabaya bridge.